Daily Life

 Over the last few days, I’ve felt like a different person. My emotions have not been stable, and I’ve been trying to understand who I am in this moment while still forcing myself to move forward. It feels unfamiliar like I’m watching myself operate rather than living naturally inside my own choices. The weight hits hardest at night and in the middle of the day. Loud sounds, negativity, and things I hear or see unexpectedly trigger it. It’s as if my nervous system is already stretched thin, and anything added on top pushes me further out of balance. Reading used to be something I enjoyed. Now it feels like a task I have to force myself into. I still do it, but the joy is missing. That part hurts more than the discipline itself because it reminds me that something inside me feels disconnected. I’ve still fallen into sin. The more I think about it, the stronger it becomes, and it feels almost inevitable at times. At the same time, my mother is coming to visit, and I’m trying to be po...

Day three of my new job, and depression continues to resurface even in the middle of simple routines. Doubt creeps in. Sinful thoughts crowd my mind when I am trying to focus, improve, and move forward. I want to stay disciplined to read, to complete tasks, to better myself but something always pulls me away. I feel conflicted and unsure of what to do next. There are moments when my body wants to give in, to stop fighting, to rest in avoidance instead of growth. Writing feels like the only place where my thoughts can slow down enough for me to understand them. Without it, everything feels tangled. I know I have done a lot in my life. I also know that I sometimes stand in my own way. Growth requires steps, and God has already placed them in front of me. I hesitate because I’m afraid of failing, of messing up again but I’m reminded that falling is part of the process. What matters is standing back up. Today, I choose to acknowledge the struggle without letting it define me. I am not fini...

 Since yesterday, I’ve been feeling a bit depressed. Not in a dramatic way, but in a quiet one. The kind where I know I’m not myself, even if I can’t explain exactly why. Today feels slightly better than yesterday, but I still don’t feel whole. Something feels missing, and I can’t put my finger on what it is. I find myself tearing up when I’m alone. There’s no single thought that causes it—just a buildup of everything. Life. The past. The future. The weight of choices. I think a lot, maybe too much. I replay things. I question myself. I wonder where I’m headed and whether I’m doing enough, being enough, or becoming who I’m meant to be. I want to pray more. I truly do. I want to sit with God and feel peace again. But instead, my mind fills with negative thoughts things I don’t want there, things that feel sinful, distracting, or heavy. It feels like my thoughts fight against my intentions, and that leaves me frustrated and tired. I don’t understand why my mind goes there when I’m tr...

Today was draining in a way that didn’t touch my body but weighed heavily on my mind and heart. The biggest strain came from the miscommunication and emotional misalignment between me and the person I love most. It’s exhausting when intentions are good, love is present, yet understanding still feels just out of reach. That kind of distance hurts more than open conflict. What reminded me that I still care deeply was not just love itself, but respect. Respect for who she is, for what we’ve built, and for the fact that I would still do anything to protect what we have. When we are simply present together, talking and sharing space without tension, everything feels real again. Those moments remind me why I’m still here and still trying. Physically, I feel strong almost energized. I could run, work, push myself further. But mentally and emotionally, I feel depleted. My thoughts have been relentless lately, circling the same destructive ideas: that I am worthless, not good enough, falling sh...

 Today I’m okay. Not great, not terrible just here, hanging in there. Exhaustion sits on my shoulders like a familiar weight, and there’s this quiet feeling of worthlessness that keeps poking at me. I keep questioning if I’m a good enough teacher, if I’m doing enough for my students, if I’m even the person I thought I could be. Life feels tiring lately. Marriage feels off balance with negative moments stacking on top of each other. Even when the day is successful, it takes so much effort that by the end of it, I’m drained. Today was one of those days productive, but emotionally expensive. But even in the heaviness, God always leaves a spark. Today, it was driving my wife around and having real moments with her. Quality time. Laughing. Smiling. Talking about life and everything in between. Those moments didn’t erase the negatives, but they made the weight lighter for a little while. My biggest challenge continues to be staying positive. My mind has been loaded with negative thoughts...